Sleepy House

One of my favorite times of the day is when Michael is home from work and snuggling with me on the couch. Soon, he falls asleep while I scratch him and few moments later, I hear the faint elongated snorts of Lily drifting off into a dreamland filled with things to lick, sniff and chew. So there I am awake and listening to the sounds of peaceful dreams around me. I call that time, "sleepy house". 

I guess there is a sense of accomplishment for me in the "sleepy house." I want my home to be a peaceful and calm place to be. I want people to feel welcome and at rest when they enter. 

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Lately, I've been feeling like I am in a spiritual desert. I have no motivation to do my daily devotionals. Its not like I don't want to, I just don't feel like I need to. My life is rather calm these days. There's no drama. No peacemaking. No conflict. Just me, Michael and Lily living our happy little life. Still, I make myself sick about not doing it. 

I still feel God all around me, inside of me. I see Him in Michael and in the playfulness of Lily. I see God in the kids I take care of after school and in the kids in the neighborhood that have somehow attached themselves to Lily and I. How is it that wherever I go, God finds a way for relationships with kids to be a part of my life? 


Its just SO quiet in my Spirit. Is that ok? I mean, at Kensington, it was like an epiphany a day but then again, that environment was a lot different than the one I am in now. In fact, it might be the opposite. Stress vs. Peace. Judgement vs. Love. Fame vs. Ambiguity. Assumption vs. Understanding. (You've probably figured out by now that the negative adjectives aren't describing my marriage. Let's just say that Kensington isn't all it seems to be and leave it at that.)  

So here I am. In silence. Wondering what to do with it. 

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Today I actually did crack open my devotional and this is what it said, 


"Why does God lead us through desert places? That He might humble us, that He might test us, and that the true condition of our hearts might be revealed. Not that God might come to know  you (He already does), but that You might come to know you. 


There's nothing like the desert to help you discover the real you. When you strip away all of the trappings, peel off all of the masks, and shed all the phoney costumes, you begin to see a true identity - a face that hasn't emerged for years. Maybe never."

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Here's a secret if you didn't know...


I lost myself somewhere along the line. I became what people wanted me to be and began believing that who I was was somehow inherently wrong. I made other people's opinion of me paramount in my life. Even paramount to what I thought of myself. 

There were two women in leadership over me that particularly wielded their axe of judgement with glee. I was told that my assertiveness was prideful, my natural ability to lead was selfishness, my being introverted was me being a "lone ranger" and that my God given talent to sing was arrogance and worst of all... that I would never be able to be truly loved unless I changed myself completely.


These two women in my life were so conceded that they believed the way God made them was the right way - the only way. They were right. The way God made them is right - for them, just not for everyone. 


I wonder what God has to say to the people who make his unique creations believe they are defective, "Crap job thy vain and selfish servant"?


So you can see, this devotional made perfect sense to me. I am in the midst of peeling away the layers of everything I was told to be and slowly revealing who I really am - to myself. I no longer have to wear any masks. No costumes. No layers. I no longer have to pretend to be something I am not just so flawed people will allow me to do what God designed me to do.   
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So here's how it all ties together. 

Just like its ok in a marriage to sit together in silence or to attentively listen to your love while they verbally work through an issue on their own - God allows us the same honor. 


I feel like, instead of a desert, where God seems far and the land is barren and uninhabitable; that I am in my "sleepy house" with God. I am resting and He is there too. He's never left me. He sits and plays with my hair as I talk about my day, or rest, or ask him rhetorical questions. He just smiles and knows I'll find the answer. 


The funny thing is... my allowing myself to not feel guilty about not doing a devotional every day makes me want to.


Now is not a time to strive, to work, to achieve or to learn. 


Now is a time to find out who God created me to be and begin to love that person - whether anyone else does or not.